-
05/11/2009-12:42 a.m.
a small part of me.

the imprint of the footprints,
toes dipping into the chilly saltwater.

i dont dare to swim. all the more have the courage to dive.

i look at the unknown depth of the vast well, telling myself that the shore will always be my refuge. with open arms, i can always return to the shoreline, back to dry safety.

but what if i dont survive the swim, what if i dont make it back to shore.

i drowned once, twice. i dont want to drown again.

whip it out of nought, out of a whirlwind of simplicity.
like life itself isnt complicated enough.

you know, it doesnt have to be this hard.

all six present: sexy six
five: fabulous five
four: fantastic four
three: terrific three
two: batman and robin
one: loner.

:D

a world to me.

i heard you, my dear, i heard.

i like it like that. (:

the one sweet vs. 999 roses.
i'd choose the one sweet anyday.

:)

shan: hey babe, when the going gets tough, you know that ill always be sitting by your side and waiting just to listen to you say "i have to make a speech." i know things havent been the best for you today, but tomorrow is a new day and it will be a better one too. if not, spins and emerald hill again. HAHA. hugs cheer up babe.

chester: helloo hope the job applications go well for you. thanks for always being so encouraging about everything and for always being so spontaneous too. haha and you're my bus stop buddy when we leave everyone else at the mrt station (:

and both of you, stop tempting me with _____________!

and i cant go without saying this: you mean so much to me too xian, gerry and sheena. (:

---------------------------------------

its made me smile since.

----

anyway, minus the crap i dont care about anymore,

im craving black carrot cake (: yumyum.

i wish things so fickle werent this way.

-----------

happy birthday cheryl. i looked at my watch at 3am last night and i thought of you. i wish i went for lunch that sunday, i wish i could have gone to your house on that saturday, i wish i could have hugged you, i wish i could have told you that i love you in person; i wish for so many things.

when that one song in my ipod plays on shuffle, i think of you. my heart sinks and i start to cry. its been so many years but i still wish u were still here.

it just never goes away. and i know you're still here with me.

happy birthday.

then u play with fire - and your fingers get burnt.

and you never ever want to play with fire again.

i just never knew that it could have become such a big deal to me.

i say sth wrong and i get bitch slapped aross my face over sth i actually held with such quiet fondness.

i am not a commodity. and i hate being pushed around when you're done. if u have no guts to tell it to my face then fine (cos my own minimal courage is somewhat a defunct ability too if u didnt realise), but i dont appreciate your subtle (just a brush off) confession to another person, followed by a transference of the commodity to yet another.

its poignant how ive been trying so hard to play your games, only to realise that all this while, while trying to figure out how to respond within your rules of repetitive reel-and-release, you were actually already done with the game.

okay at least now i know. upset? no. just kind of at ease with this revelation i needed awhile back. thank you? hell yeah, thank you.

i choose the 1.

congrats xian and jz! im so full from supper i can literally feel the fake pork swimming in my tummy. haha that "luncheon meat" was such a waste of appetite space and calories can.

UN- kissable huggable lovable unbelievable.

i think i must stop.

:D

HAHA lady gaga is so queer. but im addicted to her songs on tap tap revenge!

the funniest thing happened today but the need for censorship will make the story unfunny. but who cares, i understand it.

running out at 3.55pm, i decided to ____________________. but when i started to _____________, i heard someone shouting from afar "_________________!". i got the biggest shock of my life, so i just stopped what i was doing and ran towards ____________________. but then i forgot about the __________________ so i brought it into the _____________. in the end, i had to throw the _____________________ out and _________________ to remove the _________.

okay end of story. ill probably forget what this is all about by the end of the week haha!

xoxo, c.

which would ironically eventually suck me up, gradually eat me alive and then kill me.

i was at the bus stop waiting for 173, happily plugged in to my ipod and playing with my blackberry. when some guy around my age came up to me looking confused, flipping his phone in his fingers like he was waiting for a call, and asked "sorry excuse me, do you know how to get to symphony heights condo?". having stayed in hillview for the longest time, i obviously knew every inch of this area. but somehow i was very distracted with my ipod and bb so it kinda slipped my mind and i suddenly mistook it for signature park. so i said "oh symphony heights. its not here though. you have to cross the road and take 970 from that bus stop. it will stop directly opposite symphony heights." he gave me a puzzled bewildered look but he smiled and said "oh okay thank you." we were the only two people at the bus stop by the way.

about 5 seconds later, it suddenly dawned on me that i made a mistake so i turned around and called out to him "oh hey im so sorry i made a mistake. i was thinking of another condo. symphony heights is just around the corner actually." then i spotted a red car with the hazard light on parked at the bus stop. so i asked "oh are you driving?" he nodded. so i said "k then its even nearer then about a minute away. take the roundabout in front, then go straight, and turn left at the traffic light and its the 3rd condo on your right." then he smiled and said "oh okay okay thank you." but he continued flipping his phone and pacing around the bus stop. then a few seconds later, he came to me and said "ermm excuse me, can i have your number?" THANK GOODNESS 173 came so i said "erm no sorry im in a rush" and i boarded the bus.

found myself a seat and i had the worst revelation ever. i was thinking that he looked vaguely familiar. til i suddenly remembered that he was this acs boy who stays in my condo and he used to wait for me at the side door of my condo almost everyday just to open the door for me when i was in sec 3 and 4. i was so freaked out by him when one of my acs friends told me of this friend of his who stayed in my condo and told him that he thought i was cute. (omg. puke.) and around that time, i got a bouquet of flowers outside my house door when i came home in sec 4. (and i actually happily thought d was so sweet and he actually surprised me with flowers. but haha no.) i was greeted with some weird card that said "dear charissa, love your neighbour." WTF. (i remember telling d about it on the phone and he got angry hahaha who ask u to be so un-proactive then huh huh) anyway, i dont know if it was from that guy but i was so freaked out i threw the flowers away. and i havent see that guy since.

so basically, since he stays in my condo, there is no reason why he would not know where symphony heights is. and no wonder he had such a bewildered look when i gave him the wrong directions.

i was so bloody freaked out in the bus i actually perspired like crazy when i had that revelation.

yucks CREEP.

-----

CWWS says:
the name is sm
smoke machine
LLWT says:
HAHAHAHA
SM
sex maniac
CWWS says:
sado masochist
LLWT says:
SAGO MANGO
nights!

and i dont pinch or bite people at all, so my retaliations were almost completely redundant. but i had a crazy monster partner-in-crime who always bites til the teeth marks actually stay on the spot for days.

and so, revenge was sweet. ^_-

-------------------------------------------

on a separate note, unpredictability and inconsistency drives me nuts. and i dont like to feel like i have no control over my own emotions (i didnt for the longest time eons ago and so the consequences of that have led me to hate that awfully pathetic state). im disgusted with this needy alter ego; it has to go.

"enjoy it or drop it?"

as much as i dont want to, i say drop it.

it took so much for me to get right here right now, out of the pits of self-pity during the days of the pathetic. yet this incomprehensibly strong influence of the unpredictable (that switches on and off as and when) has become so overwhelmingly salient to me that its starting to be annoyingly difficult to inhibit.

as much as i love indulging in this state of episodic ecstatic euphoria (im amazed at its ability to instantaneously blow me away to the land of the very happy), its starting to take its toll on me and im growing tired of this game of unchaste folly.

i miss the subtlety, the ignorance, the simplicity.

tubs of ice cream pleaseee.

and that's enough.

so damn o. ;)

under the cynical facade i lovelovelove to indulge in, i've always been a sucker for simple and sweet coincidences as such.

i show subtle emotional cues and im terribly discrete but it never fails to quietly blow me away-

by the way in case u didnt know, you had me at hello.

i just love the whole quirkiness of this film. i have a penchant for intricate artsy detail and this wasnt anywhere over the top. not like across the universe, which was total crap.

-consistent
-spontaneous
-has own mind
-faithful
-filial

(no, no, dont know, dont know, dont know.)

throw it away. and just get a new one.

i dont think that applies for _______. :D

for its devouring passion?
for its intriguing mystery?
for its thousand question marks?
for its capacity to drive you into the schizophrenic pit?
for its momentary euphoria?
for its potentially scandalous proportions?

one, two or all of the above?

i really have no idea.
it drives me nuts, but i love this catastrophic fun. what a turn on.

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

---

one year's flown by and its your birthday month again. i still think of you; i still miss you like i always have. and i know that you know that.

always your jie jie charissa, i still wish i got to say goodbye.

happy birthday cheryl.

you make me wanna lala.

"BOOMZZ"

hahahaha wth.

since you're miles away in rotterdam and i'm lazy to tell you through the webcam, and because i miss you (more than cassie, less than r___), this is for you.

-i saw a man at the bus stop plucking out his moustache hair using 2 50 cent coins and im so disgusted i havent forgotten it.
-the old aunty in a wheelchair selling tissue paper at bukit batok whom i always stay for awhile to talk to before i went on exchange disappeared from her usual spot when i got back. but i found her again on the overhead bridge to harbourfront and she still remembers my name! (: it made my day.
-i fell hard against the water and the bruises havent gone down (ask eemin what im talking about cos im lazy to elaborate haha)
-i had an exam today (cherilyn's in my class by the way) and it was really tough.
-toren's having her 21st party next week and im finally gonna meet up with her hwee amanda and the bunch yayy.
-i was at hv buying bubble tea and i was busy msging til i heard the voice of some girl standing next to me ordering bubble tea too. and i thought it sounded like hwee and true enough it was. and then like true sc girls, we screamed the whole hv down haha.
-i just cut my hair. (ok u saw that on the webcam so i dont need to tell you anything about it)
-im still wondering if you're lying about the plant. (i dont believe you. its impossible you havent!)
-i fell asleep at the traffic light just before my bus stop just now and i ended up at the 8th bus stop after. i keep falling asleep in moving vehicles now ):

ok that's all. and yes, ive missed u very much. hurry come home.

anyway g, have a good trip! hope things went well at today's thing. (:

much love.

its nice.

this is for you (: have a great one.

i'm sorry you were fed til you grew enormous and then got stuck in the gap u could once fit through so easily when u were still skinny.

at least u suffocated with a whole truck load of food stuffed in your cute fat cheeks.

i will miss u baby bonkey. :(

so dead.

a little obsession, a little too much.

and yay, one ink. :D

you know it, you do. but yet you act with such pretentious nonchalance. which i find awfully endearing actually. cos your acting skills are just plain bad.

i guess that's what they term your aura. cos you play it well, despite the fact that i see through you.

and best of all, you know that i actually do. and so the vicious cycle of inhibited charm begins.

oh i love this game of folly.

but i love it. way way way too much. :D

and so calls the overwhelmingly disturbing f.h. charm. excessive brain activity = lack of sleep.